Author Archives: gareth roi jones

(Hour 17) 2.30-3.30pm — #25 “Duck and dive”

The dictionary defines “duck and dive” as — using one’s ingenuity to deal with or evade a situation. & that’s exactly what I’m about to do now with my next poem.

#25

the water fowl went
———–beneath
the surface of the lake

Definitely the most popular number to date: 8 cards had it on their grid.
Definitely the most popular # to date: 8 cards had it on their grid.

Wahoo! It seems right that I should get to do perhaps the most famous call of all. Legs Eleven. Not sure what I’m gonna do with it yet though. (After a rocky start, my fingers are pulling out better numbers lately: that’s sure to jinx it!)

(Hour 16) 1.30-2.30pm — #1 “Kelly’s eye”

A slightly post-modern, self-referential metafictional style poem — which, when I was doing my preparations, I thought I’d be excited to see the #1 come up, but when it arrived, I was like “Oh no, I have no energy for all that”.  But it was actually fairly easy flowing. I kinda like the end product (good jumping off point for revision hopefully) … & it uses every call I found about number 1 — including a very modern one. So pretty chuffed. Plus if I upload it quickly, I’ll get 20 minutes off.

#01

i am the B1 baby
first on the board
at the beginning
of all time
i am little Jimmy
who sees with Kelly’s eye

lack of sleep means
i don’t always make sense
but when i do
— Nelson’s column —
i am the son of a gun
top of the pops
number ace
Bernie’s formula
means i win the race

now if only someone would
make me a number three
& maybe butter a scone
but i’d better not lie down
or my marathon will be gone

Bingo_card_-_B&W

More 5’s — #25

(Hour 14) 11.30am-12.30pm — #32 “Buckle your shoe”

Two fairytale-esque pieces that I was working on simultaneously & ran out of time on each. The Mother Goose mash-up replaces the traditional end of lines from the nursery rhyme, with the relevant bingo call. The plot, such that it is, kinda dictated itself based on the pre-exisiting rhymes.

#32

There was a young gal covered in tattoos
Who only knew how to buckle her shoes
—–—–But would Cinderella
—–—–Have landed her fella
If she wore more than ink … & her Jimmy Choo’s

*****

A Dark Mother Goose Bingo Mashup

One, two,
—–all you can do is buckle your shoe;

Three, four,
—–wait for that knock at the door;

Five, six,
—–when silent screen hero Tom Mix;

Seven, eight,
—–rides up to the garden gate:

Nine, ten,
—–finally you’ll be free of Dave’s Den;

Eleven, twelve,
—–one dozen years here you’ve dwelled

Thirteen, fourteen,
—–since Valentine’s Day 2003;

Fifteen, sixteen,
—–sweet sixteen never been seen

Seventeen, eighteen,
—–coming of age, living in a cage

Nineteen, twenty,
—–one score to settle, none too gently

Bingo_card_-_02

#26. Hmmm, could be tricky…
PS now have 3 out 5 for my first possible BINGO of the day.

(Hour 13) 10.30-11.30am — #65 “Old age pension”

#65

The end of entitlement, or how to get a Newstart in life
the wisdom of Treasurer Joe Hockey on how to work the system

despite industrialisation taking jobs away &/or offshore
our beloved bumbler, believes we should now all work
til we’re 70 before becoming eligible for the age pension
free visits to a doctor, free welfare — no such thing
it’s a safety net, not a cargo net, unless you’re a whale

so here’s some steps to get ahead courtesy of Count Flappy

1. (obviously) don’t get sick, or if you must, don’t visit your GP

2. if you’re poor, don’t drive cars (that’ll save you plenty)

then all you have to do is

3.
get a good job that pays good money
in order to buy your first home

a politician is a pretty good one (if you’re up for it)
then you can charge taxpayers $1000 a month
to sleep in your wife’s $2 million home

Here endeth the lesson.

(Except no doubt Mr Millipede
will put yet another gaffe prone foot
in his mouth again, within a week)

OldBingoCard

#32. Whoop-de-do!

(Hour 12) 9.30-10.30am — #10 “[PM]’s Den/Downing Street”

Limericks are (supposedly) not limericks unless they are obscene, ergo, not one for the contemplated collection of children’s verse. I like limericks (at least today) cos this one has earned me a 40 minute break!

#10

There once was a man from Number 10
Downing Street — The PM’s Den.
————Although not politic
————he sure did like to lick
& stuck his tongue up many a hen.

Bingo_card_-_B&W

#65. It’s doable. Possibly a political poem.

(Hour 11) 8.30-9.30am — #55 “Snakes alive”

Five is my lucky number, so I was very pleased when this number came out of the hat. So much so I’ve got two poems up for your delectation. I wish I had a chance to give the first one, one more verse, but oh well.

#55

1.

snakes alive
give us a bunch
it’s all the fives
some famous
some jackson

& one renault
no prizes
for picking
the odd one
out

clearly the Renault 5
French supermini
aka Super 5
aka Supercinq
aka Le Car

true to its number
they built nearly
5.5 million of em
take that Timmy
& Tito too

*****

2.

— snakes alive!
the sort of
interjection
my mother
spouts at the footy
to vent her
frustration
contempt
disgust
with how
the game
is proceeding
& the players
performing

along with other
almost obsolete
idioms as:—
— alack & alas!
— boomshanka!
— ay, ay, chihuahua!

sometimes it seems
as if she wants to be a pirate
with her:— cor blimey!’s
— blooming heck!’s
— shiver me timber!ing
— gee whillikers!
— suffering suckatash!
& — gadzooks!

a vendetta
against god’s creatures:—
— loveaduck!
— leapin’ lizards!
— jiminy crickets!
— holy mackerel!
— ye gods & little fishes!

other times she berates
people not even present:—
— jumping Jehoshaphat!
— Jiminy Cricket!
— my giddy aunt!
— blimey charlie!

& then there’s the ones
that simply make no sense:—
— och aye the noo!
— pish posh migosh!
& — thunderations above!

& she wonders
why i’ve taken up
macramé

Bingo_card_-_02

#10. Another low number. Though I think I’m due a short poem soon.

(Hour 10) 7.30-8.30am — #20 “One Score”

Hitting double digits on the poem count, the spoonfuls of coffee are getting bigger & I’ve had to do something I was hoping to avoid — making a kind of list poem using occurrences of things twenty — but I can’t get bogged down here… still 14 to go.

#20

20th in the letter lineup
T & the hebrew kaph

double x
in the roman way

two times double x
is perfect sight

6/6 the metric equivalent
(which doesn’t sound as cool)

a very fast form
of rock star cricket

the number of questions
you may ask me

the end of teenagerhood
the beginning of true angst

the third magic number
in physics

for calling egypt
calcium’s weight

the IAU shower number
for Coma Berenicids

(also not that impressive
it’s only a minor meteor after all)

& the number of matchboxes
to make a crap pop band

images20

#55. Jackpot!  This better be a goodun’.

(Hour 09) 6.30-7.30am — #38 “Christmas cake”

#38

living in Oz
where Christmas
is in summer
& the temps are
usually in the high 30’s
i don’t think we’ve
ever had a special
Christmas Cake

Wikipedia tells me
a favourite of many
is the traditional Scottish
Christmas cake
the Whisky Dundee
— apparently the cake
originated in Dundee/

no need to go on
you had me at whisky

*****

as much as i like this one, I feel it is a bit cheeky, given I finished it in the first 9 minutes of the hour. so presenting a bonus poem on the same theme.

*****

Christmas Cake: or how to survive the festive season
a poetic recipe

Servings 10 (I have a large family, so this won’t be enough, I’ll be doubling the recipe)
Time 4 days approx (it won’t take that long, seriously: not the way I make it)
Difficulty moderate

Christmas cake is a fruitcake traditionally served around Christmas in the UK, especially after long walks to be had with tea. (Hahaha, yeah right.)

Ingredients
To make a round 10-inch diameter cake.  (20-inch, we’re doubling remember)

The fruit
600 g currants
400 g sultanas
400 g glacé cherries, quartered
200 g raisins
100 g cut candied peel
200 ml sherry
100 ml brandy
50 ml kirsch (or rum)

The cake mixture
4 medium eggs
300 g lightly salted soft margarine
300 g dark brown sugar
100 g self-raising flour
200 g plain flour
100 g finely-chopped almonds
2 teaspoons of ground mixed spice
2 tablespoons of black treacle

Method
The fruit
Throw the fruit & cake mixture away. It’s an unnecessary distraction. Consume all the sherry, brandy & rum. (Remember we needed to double the recipe, possibly triple it, just to be safe.)  Some people like to pour all three into a tall glass & drink as one, just to make it feel a bit more Christmassy, but separately is fine too.

The cake mixture
Did you not read above? Seriously!

Cooking
If you’re not cooked after this, make your way onto whatever remains in the bottles. You’re welcome. If this doesn’t help you survive the Silly Season, I really don’t think you’re trying hard enough.

bingo-card-25650250

#20. Not too bad. Three choices.

(Hour 08) 5.30-6.30am — #21 “Key of the door”

#21

if only i was
21 again
i’d be with you
all in the middle
of our mad glory
& this time
i’d appreciate it
(i promise)
it was just my age
which made me
act the fool before

they say
at 21 watch your son
they don’t tell you
after you’re given
the key to the door
which opens
onto white
you will lose it
then there will
be little more
that brings joy

all your guns
have gone off
& you’re left
with a roil salute
of silence

Bingo_card_-_B&W

Sigh! #38. Only two words on this piece of paper.