Tag Archives: loss

Day 11 — imposter + composter syndrome

*****

Reading It’s Not that Radical: Climate Action to Transform Our World & Mikaela Loach talks about how not everyone in the movement needs to be a front line activist. Everyone has their role to plan … & grass roots movements only succeed if there’s a broad spectrum of supporters doing a range of roles. Which got me think. The Poetic Factoid started as a joke google, & I’m still not 100% sure if it’s a real thing, but I went with it anyway. 

*****

imposter 

for a long time : i’ve wanted : to do more : to be more : active : to fight harder : for the world : i want : the world : i believe : we all deserve : but at the same time : i’ve suffered : impostor syndrome : because : after all : what have i : really : got to offer : what do i know : of struggle : i’m a reasonably : well off white man : in a reasonably affluent society : who has more : than the majority of : most people on the planet : i want to speak up : but i fear my voice : or voices like it : have been heard : too much : for too long : already : & in many ways : is/are largely responsible : for the very mess : we’re in ; i want to whisper : but i’m different : but am i : after all : with all my : bundled up griefs : & rookie mistakes : blundering bumbling bumping through life : not deliberating setting : out to harm : but doing so : anyone : what good : after all : will my contribution : be : to the cause : to any cause : to all causes

*****

Day 11 – TIL about a potential self diagnosis

Composter syndrome

a psychological phenomenon affecting
compulsive individuals incredibly unlike me
who may exhibit the following characteristics:

i. obsessive attention: 
preoccupied with composting
that perfect balance of organic matter
temperature control, & moisture 

ii. perfectionism: 
always researching alternate techniques 
experimenting with multiple systems
striving for the ideal mix
composition, texture, & odour
& heartbroken when it fails 
to meet self-imposed standard

iii. waste management anxiety: 
deep responsibility concerning
environmental sustainability
heightened guilt when organic waste 
is discarded rather than transformed
into nutrient-rich compost

so very not me till i realised, last night
i accidentally peed on the compost heap

it was no moon dark & i’d taken the dog out 
& now i’m freaking out in case i’ve totally wrecked the nitrogen balance

Day 10 – NIMBY + election contributions

*****

Four of the past five nights I’ve fallen asleep, sitting upright in my computer chair. I’m feeling totally run down. Writing the poems is wonderful as always. But draining when combined with actually trying to live a life also. So even though I’m not sure what this topic is going to be, I do know. It has to be short. I can’t endure a long session today. I’m working on poems about Sacrifice Zones & NIMBY politics (Not In My Back Yard). So this little lightly ironic poem was pretty easy to write. Just what I needed.

The Poetic Factoid was found on the same page as other research & made my day simpler. 

*****

fracking NIMBYism

no one likes fracking near them
no, not even Exxon King CEO 
& briefly US Secretary of State 
under Donald. J. Drumpf
   — Rex Tillerson — 
who once joined a lawsuit 
opposing fracking near 
his $5 million Texas home
worried it would lower property values

Rex drops his own microphone

*****

Day 10 – TIL about election contributions

Republican Rex

Rex has given a total of $468,970 in contributions to Republican candidates & committees between 2000 to 2016

according to 
Federal Election Commission records
he contributed to the campaigns of

George W. Bush
Mitt Romney
Mitch McConnell
Jeb Bush

ironically (or not) he never donated 
to Donald J Drumpf

Day 08 – consequences + moving

*****

Climate Change is going to affect different parts of the world slightly differently (mostly the same broad brush strokes, but the detail will vary from place to place). For several years I’ve been collecting examples of things that will in all probability be affected right here in Oz (itself a wildly diverse ecosystem/area) under the working titles of — ecosystems : species : food and farming : water : coastal erosion : health : damage to homes & property : coral bleaching : miscellaneous.

The poem is a poetic attempt at breaking down all the fun things we’ve got to look forward to. I’m sharing just the Species section of the poem. (Not doubt this first draft will have new consequences added to it, as I research further. It’s been ever growing for the past 4 years, don’t see it changing now.)

*****

So many consequences …

ii. species

One in six : faces ex:tinc:tion risk 

To survive
   plants : animals : & birds alike
   must  :  move  :  adapt or         : die 

But climate change : is happening : so fast
it’s often im:possible : for species to adapt 
         :  swiftly                         enough  : 
to evolve : with their ever-changing : environments : 
with changing seasons  :  with timings 
in the rest of the web :  altered :   delayed : 
enhanced :    shunted :    days, even weeks 
                                                    :  out of whack 

And even  :  if they could  :  move   :   swiftly enough 
the sheer : volume of human-driven  :  habitat destruction
makes moving  :  moot  ;  kinda hard to move  :  when  :  there’s no place left

*****

Day 08 – TIL about the pachyderms outside the room

Bill’s Moving Tales

1. Supposedly the average person (Bill) moves residences 11.7 times in their lives
2. Allegedly it is the 3rd most stressful event in Bill’s life (behind death & divorce)
3. Apparently 55% of Bill’s moves happen in the summer
4. Purportedly Bill needs around 60 cardboard boxes to move all their stuff
4b. Reputedly 60 cardboard boxes is equivalent to around 6,500 pounds — or as part of the penchant for Americans using anything except the metric system to describe things — the size of a smallish-sized elephant

5. All I know is, when the truck with the shipping container filled to the brim with most of my books tried, it couldn’t make it up the gentle slope of Gully Hill & had to go the long way round (not enough torque or cylinder size or something — definitely *not* too. many. books).

Day 07 – fire + balls

*****

Today my housemate spent large parts of his day in other roles: netball selector & volunteer firefighter.

The serious poem began playing with synonyms … & then stayed that way cos I was too exhausted to work it further … but I think it’s kind of fun for a first draft. Reflects how I feel consuming lots of climate change literature. The factoid came when it was suggested (perhaps facetiously) that I should write a netball poem. Regardless, challenge accepted.

*****

9:burnonyms 

1.
our house is burning : on fire : alight : ablaze, blazing ; it’s going up : up in smoke : in flames : aflame : it smoulders : flares : flashes : flickers

2.
we’ve burned all the letters : set fire to : set on fire : set alight : set light to : lit : set burning : ignited : put a match to ; kindled : incinerate : reduce to ashes : destroy by fire ; torch : inflame

3.
we forgot to turn off the iron & nearly burned the sky : scorch : singe : sear : char : blacken : discolour : brand ; scald ; cauterise : calcine ; torrefy

4.
our lungs burn with humiliation : be hot : be warm : feel hot : be feverish : be fevered : be on fire; blush : redden : be red :: go red : go pink : turn red : turn crimson : turn scarlet : flush : colour : crimson

5.
our lip burns where our teeth have pierced it : smart : sting : tingle : prick : prickle : be irritated : be sore : hurt : be painful : throb : ache

6.
earth is burning with curiosity : at what is still to come : be consumed by/with : be eaten up by/with : be obsessed by/with : be tormented by/with : be bedevilled by

7.
some (but not enough) are burning with fury that so little is being done : we seethe : boil : fume : smoulder : simmer : be boiling over : be beside oneself ; be livid : be wild : jump up & down : froth/foam at the mouth

8.
people differ considerably in the energy they burn up : use up : consume : expend : get through : go through : dissipate : eat up : exhaust

9.
i burn to know what the secret is : yearn : long : have a longing : ache : be aching : itch : be itching : desire : be consumed with the desire : want : want badly : be unable to wait : be eager : be desperate : hanker : have a hankering : wish : crave : lust : pant : hunger : be hungry : be greedy : thirst : be thirsty ; have a yen : yen : be dying; archaic be athirst : be desirous

*****

Day 7 – TIL about an odd netball name

ball games, sprawling names

netball once was known as basketball
— wait let me start again

in 1891 basnetketball
began life with : just 13 rules 
as a 9 versus 9 game ;
using an old soccer ball ;
two wall-mounted
peach baskets as goals
& incorporated rules from  
 duck on a rock (a medieval
kid’s game played as a child)

for about 3 seconds it was called
Naismith Game after its inventor
— but he hated that & said 
“we have a ball & a basket: 
why not basketball?”

a female physical culture instructor
tweaked several rules them to 
make them more decorous for ladies
misunderstood others & called the resultant
hodgepodge basquette

in 1893 : Madame Österberg  
who advocated : female physical fitness
thereby better preparing : for motherhood 
not to mention :  emancipation  : generally
tossed a version : of the new sport
across the sea : to her English college students 

tweaks a couple years later 
by American lecturer : Dr Toles
played with waste paper baskets : on walls
without lines : boundaries : or circles

more revisions : 1897 from another 
American teacher : Miss Porter
moved outdoors : onto grass courts
divided : into three zones : replaced 
baskets : with ringed : nets

hence : net ball which went : imperial 
thrown : to all quarters of the Empire
caught in Oz possibly as early as 1897
though most say : turn of the century

despite being :  netball  :  everywhere else
the Aussies & Kiwis kept : the name 
women’s basketball : until 1970

at which point I can finally return 
to my initial remarks — 

netball once was known as basketball
in fact, it was still that when we Ango Panthers 
won our previous A-Grade premiership 
but. no. more. — we are now : reigning : BLG : netball premiers 

Day 4 – trees & forests

It’s strange how often the poem you set out to write, morphs into something unexpected. I began the evening playing with climate “cliches” — things deniers say to disprove/discredit the science — & trying to tweak them into new forms. Which lead to a poem I’m pretty pleased with using a quote from Ronald Reagan (implementor of the neo-liberal “experiment” in America). Because I like its potential, I’m only going to share a few lines: the opening ones & ones near the very end to give a taste of it. 

Today’s Poetic Factoid practically wrote itself as the idea/awareness has been in my mind ever since I read Peter Wohlleben’s The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate: Discoveries from a Secret World several years ago. There are so many cool tree facts I could write dozens of factoids & one day just might … one fact I couldn’t fit in this time, is that trees can recognise their own kin!

NB These poems were written yesterday, but when I startled myself awake at the keyboard at 12.22am I realised I needed to go to bed & upload them later. Hence, this…

*****

barking up

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.
       The second best is today.

neo-liberals have long believed a tree is just a tree
how many must you look at to know a forest?

no doubt Reagan & his ilk never planted a tree
under whose shade — they never expected to sit

*****

http://www.tree.org

trees are connected : by their toetips
via : an underground fungal internet
the wood wide web : a mycorrhizal 
symbiosis of mutual benefit : root-clinging 
fungi aids tree absorb extra water & nutrients 
from soil : tree reciprocates by sharing :
tasty photosynthesised sugars

trees even text : messaging : when insects 
attack : the victim warns : trigger defences : 
networks have hubs : older : larger : “mothers”
connected to : hundreds of younger ones 
who send : excess carbon through the system
to understory seedlings : quadrupling
their chance of surviving

more evidence : of collective strength : over separatism 

Day 30 — (M)orpheus + Grief Facts

Always pleased when this month is over (“April is the cruellest month” indeed). That said, I’ve been planning for this poem for a while — ever since the inspiration for it came. A variation on much of this month’s stuff …

*****

(M)orpheus 

in the last bliss-filled : moments before dawn : i complete a poem : i’m soul-fizzingly pleased with

after days of starts & snatches abstract : unoriginal images & clunky similes i’ve completed  : one beautiful thing to pay tribute : to orpheus & his life-destroying doubt

single-handed walked a difficult path : ploughed through prose : purpled : pumpkin patched : & guided : something delicate & rare to the light 

just as i am about to read    :        over it       :     in a highly gleeful, cork-popping : champagne-guzzling celebratory way

a cockatoo screech of alarm : curses me : & those lines : of poetic perfection : whisper away into ether 

like eurydice’s half-smile

*****

Day 30 — TIL i learnt 7 Facts About Grief & (may have made up) 1 Myth

7 Facts About Grief & 1 Myth

Fact 
#1: Is normal
#2: Hard work
#3: Unpredictable 
#4: It comes & goes
#5: Always takes longer
#6: The way out is through
#7: Yours is the worst kind

Myth 
#1: People recover 

Day 29 — a light sleep

Today’s poem was quick & easy to write (huzzah!). I’ve had this image saved for weeks. I’ve loved it & known I wanted to use it. About a week ago the title came to me; then the basic content/narrative context/mood/emotion I wanted to explore. The rest, as they say …

*****

light : at the end of the tunnel 


the light : at the end of the tunnel : has tainted me : taunted me : haunted me : since I first saw it : with her : since I last saw : her : drifting into dust : in striking sunshine : dissolving into darkness : would : I could walk : that path again : have those few seconds ago : take ten more steps : five even : would that I could : have been : would that I was : a better man : a stronger man : the world : would look : so much brighter 

*****

Day 29 — TIL i should be napping more

Nap \Nap\, n. A short sleep; a doze; a siesta.

i.
Definition
A nap is a short period of sleep 
usually occuring during the day.
Already I’m listening …

ii.
Naps can deliver a number of benefits
Brief naps can be restorative & reduce fatigue. 
They may counteract daytime drowsiness.
These both seem self evident, but fair enough

Naps can prevent/improve treatment 
of heart, lung, blood & sleep disorders.
Good-oh. Will take all these

A short daytime snooze may also boost 
workplace performance.
Not as fussed about this but ok

Athletes may experience improved 
endurance, reaction times, & cognitive performance.
Again not overly fussed

iii.
Other health benefits
One study found 
napping 1 or 2 times a week 
was associated with a lower risk 
of cardiovascular problems, 
(heart attack, stroke, heart disease).
Tick tick & tick

Naps may be associated 
with a lowered risk of a 
rupture of aneurysms.
Things stopping things exploding
in my brain are always welcomed

iv.
Tips to Take the Best Nap 
Now we’re talking.

How Long Should a Nap Be? 
The idea adult nap length is
20 minutes but no longer than 30. 
20 minutes’ light sleep boosts
alertness without entering deep
sleep & potential grogginess/

Look to be honest, I think 
I’m gonna take it from here. 
It’s all good. No need to keep 
preaching — we’re singing 
from the same hymn book & what you haven’t 
told me, I think I’ll figure out myself. Infactim 
feelingkinda sleepynowimight\\justgolie
……………………….…………………………………………d
………………………………..………..……………………….. o
……………………………..…………………………………..  w

Day 28 – reducing plagiarism

By this stage of proceedings there are lots of random lines, fragments of poems, copies of poems I’ve read over the past month, research notes, etc. After working on a couple of technically challenging poems that weren’t quite working & feeling decidedly uninspired after several hours successlessness; I decided just to play a game & redact a poem I’d read a couple of weeks ago which had a few interesting lines/images, reducing it down to max of three words per line (per original line), often much less than that. Then subbing words from line 2 down into line 8 & vice versa, then occasionally importing whole new words where it seemed useful, then jiggling lines up or down to help them make a bit more sense. The poem is not quite there & feels a little off but I quite like it even if I’m no 100 per cent what it’s saying in every moment. More work post-NaPoWriMo …

*****

reduction


wing-covered madness
soul halfdrunk
black liquor lures
delirium, hands sound
victory without valour
terrible-eyed sun
won’t allow respite
beseeched, prayer-pestered
manything torn away 
suffering like rocks
the coming storm
hours of prison
cool hands, sweet
light distant shadows
alien phosphorescent uproar 
comfortless last words

*****

Day 28 — TIL goldfish are more musically inclined than me

On Thinking It Out, Let’s Get Loud

goldfish can distinguish 
the music of one 
composer from another 
ooh, let’s get it on

just thinking out loud
perhaps they should use them 
to see if Ed Sheeren really
did rip off Marvin Gaye

Day 27 — euphoria + % H2O

Today was back-the-front because the Poetic Factoid pome came first, which then gave me time to stop & think what I should write for the Big O sequence. It was an easy choice. Somewhere along the way, I started (perhaps subconsciously) pairing the two thematically or otherwise; now it’s become intentional.

*****

euphoria


it should ache / hurt more / than it does / this wrenching / these many hands / hot hands / wet slippery hands / angry hands / clawing / scratching / screeching / hooting / as they pull me / a / part / like a cloud / i can / only / feel one thing / the buzz / of a billion bees / as my soul / is systemically / set free / as the notes i was / float high / & begin / piece/meal / the long journey / back down below / down / that cold clay / path / i know backwards / but have not / trod / in many years / at last / now / a home / coming / a / re/union / with / she / who was lost / to me / twice before / but soon / no more

*****

Day 27 — TIL a bit about biology

% H2O

i’ve long known
the human body 
is largely water
(60% on average)
however TIL 
the percentage
changes slightly 
with age, sex, & hydration 
ranging from 45 to 75%

i’d like to posit it
also varies depending
on the time of night
because at 3am
doonasnuggled 
nearing zero
outside then i feel 
close to 98-99% aqua
before the suddenly 
urgent dunnydash 
— yet strangely 
only about 12 or 13%
upon my safe if 
shivering return
to 4-poster perfection 

some folks argue
sex with your true 
love is about 
as wonderful 
a sensation this 
gourd offers 
but the zen of empty
bladder after holding on
too long surely comes 
                           close 

Day 26 — predicting the end of monopolies

Monday’s volume of poetry read was a recent purchase & one I’ve been saving for the end of the month: Brian Bilston’s Alexa, what is there to know about love? I was saving Bilston for the end because he’s so fun & playful & cheeky & clever in his word game poems — & I suspected/knew I’d need an energising pick me up (this month more than usual; or perhaps not, perhaps it always feels this way by the end. I suspect it does, we just choose to blank it out).

“Love in the Age of Google” is a poem made up of single lines from google’s predictive text. I’ve seen a couple of other attempts at this type of poem & thought today is a good day to test it out (for reasons which will hopefilly become clearer in Poem 2). Curation of results has taken place. I wish I made more time to make both poems shorter, tighter, but I don’t …

*****

Predicting Orpheus


1. DuckDuckGo
(yes other search engines are available)

did orpheus save eurydice
did orpheus look back
did orpheus die
did orpheus have children
did orpheus see eurydice in the underworld

— think most of these are pretty easy to answer, though the children one pulls me up short

why did orpheus look back
why did orpheus look back at eurydice
why did orpheus decide to rescue his wife
why did orpheus go to the underworld
why did orpheus die

— hmmm, feel like these are questions i should’ve asked at the start of the month. life mightabeen easier.

why was orpheus
why was orpheus killed
why was orpheus adored in thrace
why was ephesus abandoned
why was ephesus an important city
why was morpheus recast

— sometimes the algorithm breaks down, yes, even before i do


2. Google

i. did orpheus
what instrument did orpheus play 
…..oh good, an easy one. the lute. ah, harp. the lyre, the lyre…
what did orpheus do
…..wandered round the place singing. after that, things get ugly
how did orpheus get into the underworld 
…..excellent question, one which took me considerable
…..time in my books & online to answer
how did orpheus die 
…..not pleasantly. will that suffice?

ii. why did orpheus
why did orpheus go to the underworld 
…..even not knowing the tale, surely this is work-outable
why did orpheus look back
…..which is, of course, the crux
why did eurydice run away from orpheus 
…..run away? really? that’s the verb you’ve chosen.
why did orpheus look back at eurydice
…..it really all comes back to this, doesn’t it?
why did the maenads kill orpheus 
…..is “it’s complicated” a good enough reply?

iii. outtakes & bloopers
(in the interest of balance, google had its share of quirky predictions too)

~why did roman kill orpheus wife 
~why did hades give orpheus a condition 
~why did the gods gave condition to orpheus 
~why did thanatos come out of orpheus 
~why did morpheus kill orpheus

*****

Day 26 — TACD (Today Another Company Died)

The Online Jungle — worse than the real Amazon

i.
Audiobookstand, Avalon 
Books, Bookpages, BookSurge, 
Telebook, TobyPress, 
& Waldenbooks 

all book-related businesses 
Amazon has bought 
& closed (sometimes 
parts are “merged”)

sadly today Book Depository 
has been added to that list

a UK online book store 
once known for its wild range
affordability, & free worldwide D

launched in 2004 Amazon 
“acquired” the company
in 2011 (it was several years
before i realised 
my protest purchasing
was still lining
bald Jeff’s pockets)

but don’t feel too bad
(Amazon don’t)

they still own: 
Audible, Abebooks, 
GoodReads, ComiXology

none of which they 
developed themselves. 
all bought out to 
prop up/become 
part of the Bezos 
behemoth

& this isn’t all of them

there’s MGM, Twitch, 
IMDb, Kiva, WholeFoods 
& countless others across 
disciplines i’ve not even listed 
at least 115, possibly more

ii.
these “killer acquisitions” 
aren’t limited to the cut
throat world of books

fossil fuel companies do it
buy green startups
shut them down
because they don’t 
want the competition

pharmaceutical companies 
buy rivals to eliminate 
competing therapies 
under development
so theirs is the only
alternative

it’s something we should all care about 
it’s why our antitrust laws need to be given real teeth