Day 20 — personal readings + brief verses

A second Festival of Grief poem although far from the worst day I’ve endured in these past 35 years. Playing round with the meaning of the word “reading” based around verses pertinent to today. I love how a theme can forge a type of poem you’d never consider otherwise. Factoid is short sharp & shiny.

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Three Readings

Halfwit 15:4 – And, behold, there was a great downpour upon the holy day: and the stone was rolled back, and all the waters swirled in fury down the hole; and the angel cried out in pain, and called his name; and lo, he ran in, but nothing could he do except embrace her for the messenger of the Lord had already decided, what was to be, and had descended from heaven, and sat upon their hopes. 

Fishtail 15:6 – And when they looked, they saw that another had come in, swiftly, sudden and unexpected, like a guest in the night filling that room from whence the stone had previously been rolled away: but lo, though she was quiet and calm and oh so gentle, she likewise could not stay; for her need elsewhere was very great; and so she departed causing a second great pain to the angels. 

Hijinks 21:7 – And so in this way, many moons passed and the dark cave was almost but not entirely forgotten, until much perplexed thereabouts, they found the old stone rolled across and the angels hearts’ at once gladdened and grew afraid lest the sadness be returned; and so it indeed came to pass that before the season’s end, two messengers stood by them in shining garments; took their hands and lead them away from the sepulchre to whence they were never to return. 

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Day 20 Factoid – shortest bible verse (is very short)

John 11:35

the short
est verse
in the Bi
ble is also
my favo
urite …

Jesus wept. 

Day 12 – the hell of easter sundays

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30 years ago today, Easter Sunday 1990 (April 15 of that year), my fiancé/soulmate & I experienced the first of three miscarriages of our three and half year relationship. We were kids, both 19. 

Back then there was no internet, we didn’t know where to go get support, no easy way of knowing that we were not unique in this. But it happened twice more during the next two & half years. Each time got harder, harder to come back from. Eventually our relationship ended, in no small part due to the stresses & sadnesses of those three losses; although there were other circumstances complicating things too. 

I have never fully recovered from the loss; almost daily wonder what different paths my life would have taken had I become a father way back then. It damaged me in ways I didn’t understand for decades. It took almost 25 years to “process” the grief (even though I still feel it) but eventually my alter-ego wrote & staged a 1-woman play which got much of the pain out of me … & enabled me to find a fragile kind of peace. Naturally, I’ve written countless poems about it. & every Na/GloWriPoMo the poem on April 15 or Easter Sunday is bound to explore it in some way. That’s another little gift: the fact that it has two “anniversaries” which have only aligned once in the last 30 years.

Also helping is the fact that a once young person I taught drama to writes about her miscarriages so honestly, lovingly, & beautifully on facebook (that often trite medium). I believe her words are profoundly positive & healing for me, herself, her partner, friends & family, & no doubt many others. I also love how someone I once taught is now teaching me. Thanks, Alice, for giving me the courage to write this post so openly & reinforcing the serenity to know it’s okay on those days when coping doesn’t seem possible. 

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pandemic for one

this disease : infects & reinfects my mind : repeatedly : over decades : every easter : of course : but christmases too : birthdays : facebook posts : of friends celebrating : first days of school : & 21sts : & weddings : & births of grandkids : & just about anything fucking else : can set it off : a time bomb explosion : of regret : anger : what ifs : why mes : & i wonders :

there is no herd immunity : i am the herd : reinfection is frequent : sometimes more virulent : than ever before : the curve has not flattened : the only cure : a wormhole

Day 5 – 25 Easter Sundays ago today …

Last one. Today is D-Day.

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the five

we were never a five – not properly – not all
together – not ever – yet in my head – we always
were – still are – forever will be – nothing can change
that – even though everything has changed — every thing
except the great                                                                                empty

.

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